Your life isn’t working because you are using old stories to guide today’s behaviour.
Your stories haven’t grown with you.
We all have old stories and patterns of behaviour that kept us safe when we were young.
In some cases, these were actually lifesaving.
I learned at a very young age that keeping myself small kept me safe.
And my version of smallness was to be quiet.
Staying quiet protected me from a mother who was quick to anger.
Staying quiet kept me off of the radar of an abusive family friend.
Staying quiet made me more invisible so that school bullies wouldn’t notice me.
Staying quiet gave my emotionally abusive ex-husband no ammo with which to gaslight me.
… until the pain of hiding my voice became too much to bear and I woke up one morning and just knew I was done with all of this QUIET.
And I decided to leave that abusive relationship.
But damned if that smallness doesn’t still show up when I am faced with certain triggers!
Despite all I’ve overcome.
Despite all the work I’ve done.
Despite the healing and the transformation.
And for me this means anytime I perceive myself on the receiving end of judgment.
Let’s face it, that is ANY possible interaction in my life!
So, the work is ongoing…
When this happens, I just stick with the program that got me here despite the fear that pops up.
Because I know that fear is an old story that once saved my life.
I thank it for doing so.
I feel compassion for the little girl in me who still thinks this is needed to survive.
And so, I love that part of me, hard.
The key is to learn what that trigger is and then shift your response to it.
It’s an easier goal than getting rid of it completely because it’ll likely always be there.
But you can get to the point where you are taking different actions when it arises because you see it clearly now and you know it can no longer harm you.
That part of you it was meant to protect doesn’t need protecting anymore.
You no longer have to be small.